By Tabitha Bozeman
I recently gave a “fake it til you make it” pep talk to a small group of women, then a couple of days later, a quote from Socrates popped up on my phone: “the best way to live with honor is to be what we pretend to be.” Although it does connect with the main idea of my pep talk, I began exploring other reasons this quote rings true. It pairs well with some of my favorite women writers, so as we continue Women’s History Month I thought I’d spend some time thinking and writing about the ways women have historically lived with honor, and what that might look like today. A few quotes from George Eliot, Virginia Woolf, and Zora Neale Hurston immediately came to mind, and on their own they are inspiring, but considered together they are an even more powerful reminder and call to action for women everywhere to live life authentically, purposefully, and with honor.
What does it mean to “live with honor”? Honor is defined as “a consistent commitment to integrity, ethical behavior, and living according to one’s principles, especially when doing so requires personal accountability.” We all put our “best foot forward”–that is only human. But, following through and living in alignment with our personal values through integrity, honesty, and responsible action can be challenging at times. Many women have written about this challenge, exploring the ways various characters have succeeded and failed to live with honor. They have created road maps for anyone willing to spend some time reading and thinking on the topic.
George Eliot, the pen name of Mary Ann Evans, was a prominent novelist during the Victorian era. She explored psychologically complex themes like morality, society, and human character in novels that included Middlemarch and Silas Marner. An Eliot quote about living with honor that stands out to me is “Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds.” This echoes Socrates’ reminder of the importance of putting our words into actions if we are to live with honor. It is easy to want to be a certain kind of person, and even easier to say the words that kind of person might say. But, honor requires both honesty and actions. Eliot reminds us that we become the person our behaviors repeatedly express: our identity is built action by action in our daily life, making internal integrity a major component of living with honor. We must be honest with ourselves and continuously evaluate the extent to which our external actions and words match up with our internal values.
Another writer, Zora Neale Hurston, warns women against performative, false selves. Often, women are encouraged to be the peacekeepers at all costs, even if that means ignoring their internal values. Hurston points out that doing so means not speaking our truth and allows others to define us by our silence. She tells women “if you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.” For Hurston, if living a performative, false contentment requires ignoring our inner values to keep the peace, we are giving up the power and agency we have to create our own reality and live with honor. George Eliot reminds us that our character is shaped in large part by what we do, and Zora Neale Hurston points out that silence can erase it. The self we pretend to be–to others and even to ourselves–becomes real, for better or worse, through consistent action.
However, women have historically been expected to perform versions of themselves that keep the peace rather than reflect their deepest values. The flip side of living honorably through consistent action, then, is learning to balance outward performance of self with being inwardly honest about who we are, who we want to be, and the amount of work we are willing to put into creating and living our identity honorably. Performance of self that does not match up with our inner values is exhausting, disappointing to ourselves and others, and unhealthy. Virginia Woolf recognized this when she said “No need to hurry, no need to sparkle, no need to be anyone but oneself.” In the grand scheme of things, these women remind us that crafting our identities and lives is not about perfection, applause, or outward performance. It is about quietly and consistently choosing to live in ways that reflect our deepest values.
Socrates tells us that who we pretend to be can eventually become our real self, but only through intentional action. George Eliot echoes this by pointing out that character is built by cumulative action. Zora Neale Hurston warns us that choosing to silence ourselves can erase our truth and true selves. Virginia Woolf encourages us to choose authenticity, reminding us that an honorable life is not something we have to playact, it is something we craft and allow ourselves to live moment by intentional moment.
Together, these women’s words are a powerful reminder that living with honor is not about grand gestures. It happens in ordinary, everyday moments: speaking honestly when silence would be easier, acting with integrity when no one is watching, and choosing to live as the person we hope to become.
