By Carrie Halladay
One of the most common misconceptions about grief is that, given enough time, we should eventually be “over it.” We sometimes expect grief to follow a predictable path: we experience a loss, go through a difficult period and gradually return to normal.
But grief rarely works that way.
When someone we love dies, our lives change. We may adjust to that change, but adjusting is very different from forgetting or no longer missing the person. Grief doesn’t have an expiration date and there is no point on the calendar when we are supposed to be finished with it.
In the early days after a death, grief may feel overwhelming. There are funeral arrangements, family members coming and going and countless decisions to make. Friends call, neighbors bring food and people frequently check in.
Then life begins moving again.
Other people return to work and their normal routines. The phone rings less often. The casseroles stop arriving. Yet the grieving person may just be beginning to understand the reality of the loss.
Sometimes the hardest moments come weeks or even months later.
Grief can also appear when we least expect it. A song on the radio, a familiar smell or finding an old photograph can suddenly bring back emotions we thought we had worked through. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and family celebrations can be particularly difficult. Even happy occasions such as weddings, graduations or the birth of a baby can carry sadness because someone important is missing.
This doesn’t mean we are moving backward.
Grief isn’t a straight line. You may have several good weeks and then suddenly have a difficult day. You may laugh with friends and genuinely enjoy yourself, then cry in the car on the way home. Both experiences can exist together.
We also need to be careful about comparing grief. One person may return to work quickly while another struggles for months. Some people want to talk about the person who died while others are more private. Some cry easily while others rarely cry at all. There isn’t one correct way to grieve.
If you are supporting someone who has experienced a death, remember that support is often needed long after the funeral. Check in a month later. Remember the anniversary of the loss. Don’t be afraid to mention the person who died. Many grieving people appreciate hearing their loved one’s name and knowing that others remember them too.
And if you are grieving, give yourself permission to have difficult days. You don’t have to meet someone else’s expectations about how long grief should last.
Over time, grief often changes. The pain may become less constant and memories may eventually bring more comfort than sadness. We learn how to carry the loss while continuing to live our lives.
Perhaps that’s a better way to think about healing after a death. The goal isn’t to “get over” someone we loved. It’s learning how to move forward while still carrying a piece of them with us.
There is no deadline for that.
