By Carrie Halladay
“I should be able to handle this myself.”
It’s a sentence I hear often as a counselor. Sometimes people say it out loud. More often, it’s the quiet thought that keeps them from asking for help.
They tell themselves other people have it worse. They believe they should be stronger. They think that because they have survived difficult things before, they shouldn’t be struggling now.
But needing help isn’t evidence that you are incapable. It’s evidence that you are human.
Most of us learn the value of independence early. We are praised for being responsible, figuring things out and not depending too much on other people. Those are valuable qualities. The problem comes when independence turns into the belief that needing support is a personal failure.
We rarely apply that standard to other areas of life. If your car starts making a terrible noise, you take it to a mechanic. If your roof leaks, you call someone who knows how to repair it. If you don’t understand your taxes, you might hire an accountant.
Yet when it comes to our emotional lives, many of us suddenly believe we should already know how to fix everything ourselves.
We expect ourselves to instinctively know how to navigate grief, anxiety, depression, trauma, marriage problems, parenting struggles, difficult family relationships and major life transitions. When we can’t, we may decide something is wrong with us.
Sometimes the problem isn’t that you aren’t strong enough. Sometimes you have simply been carrying too much for too long.
There is also an important difference between surviving something and dealing with it.
Human beings can function under tremendous amounts of stress. We go to work. We take care of our families. We pay the bills. We answer, “I’m fine,” when someone asks how we’re doing.
From the outside, everything may look normal.
Inside, however, we may be exhausted, angry, anxious, disconnected or overwhelmed.
That is where support can matter.
Counseling isn’t about having someone solve your problems for you. A good counselor doesn’t take over your life or tell you what decisions to make. Instead, counseling gives you a place to slow things down, recognize patterns, understand what you are feeling and develop healthier ways of responding.
And counseling isn’t the only form of support. Sometimes we need a trusted friend. Sometimes we need our spouse, our family, our faith community, a support group or a physician. Often, healthy coping involves allowing more than one person to help carry the load.
There is strength in independence.
There is also strength in recognizing when independence has become isolation.
Maybe the better question isn’t, “Why can’t I handle this myself?”
Maybe it is, “Why have I decided that I have to?”
You were never meant to navigate every difficult season of life alone. Asking for help doesn’t erase your strength. Sometimes, it is one of the ways you use it.
