By Tabitha Bozeman
It has been said that “No communication is better than miscommunication.” I disagree. As Samuel Beckett said, “Words are all we have.” Words alone, however, are often insufficient when we are communicating, and this can have hysterical consequences.
I experienced a humorous breakdown in communication last week on my trip. A traveling friend from South Africa, Andriëtte, has a lovely way of communicating with her husband, Kobus (pronounced KWIB-us). They were always joking with one another, laughing and being silly. But they were also kind and considerate. One day, we sat in our bus seats and her husband walked up and down the bus to get something for her and bring it back. They chatted a moment, then he was off to visit with someone else on the bus, and as he walked away, she said “Thank you, Darling Donkey.” As I listened, I was both amused and heartwarmed by their banter. I thought “That is the sweetest little pet name she has for him! How precious that they can be so warm and silly at the same time, even in front of others!” I loved the donkey reference, too, because we’d already chatted about how she’d love to have a miniature donkey as a pet, and I’d told her about my sister having one and how funny he is. So, as a pet name for her husband I thought “Darling Donkey” was perfect because Kobus always had us in absolute stitches with his antics on the trip, was always the first to help load and unload luggage, and pass around sweets on our bus rides. We all loved traveling with him.
Thinking about this, I turned to Andriëtte and said “I am going to start using that with my husband! That’s adorable! I love it!” She looked at me, slightly confused, and asked what I planned to use. I answered “Darling Donkey–what a cute little nickname!” She looked at me for a second and then burst into laughter. “No, no!” she said. “‘Dankie’ means ‘thank you’ in Africaans. I was saying ‘Darling, thank you!’”
We laughed and laughed over this miscommunication, and on my next search for souvenirs in Thessaloniki, Greece, I found a couple of little zipper bags with a donkey on each. Now she and I each have one as a reminder of our silliness.
Writer Carolyn Chun once said “When words fail, then real language arrives, that rare guest.” In this lighthearted example of language failing us, joy, humour, and laughter were our real language in the moment. At other times, breakdowns in communication can have more serious consequences. Readers witness this type of miscommunication over and over again in literary classics: In The Great Gatsby, Daisy and Gatsby experience fundamental barriers to true communication with tragic consequences. In the Glass Menagerie, an entire family lives in perpetual miscommunication and misunderstanding, becoming more and more isolated from one another. In these examples, words exist, but real communication fails.
Becoming a better communicator is not a task that can be completed one time. Instead, continual re-evaluation and learning are required. Sometimes communication mishaps are as easy to clear up as defining how a word is used. Other communication challenges can require more time, patience, and effort. A few ways to begin improving communication include paying attention to nonverbal clues when someone is speaking, being fully present without thinking ahead to a response or another task while someone is speaking, and asking open-ended questions to clarify understanding. After all, understanding each other and ourselves opens the door to connection, and connection is what this life is about. As John Steinbeck reminds us, “Try to understand [others]. If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing [someone] well. . . almost always leads to love.”
