By Carrie Halladay
The word codependency gets thrown around a lot. Sometimes it is used to describe anyone who is especially close to a partner or family member. But caring deeply about someone, helping them through difficult times or making sacrifices for people you love does not automatically make you codependent.
Codependency is more about what happens when caring for someone else begins to come at the expense of yourself.
In real life, it often doesn’t look dramatic. It may look like a woman who constantly monitors her husband’s mood because she cannot relax unless she knows he is OK. It may be the parent who repeatedly rescues an adult child from the consequences of poor decisions. It can be the friend who is always available to everyone else but feels guilty asking for help herself.
Sometimes it sounds like, “If they’re upset, I have to fix it.”
People struggling with codependent patterns often feel overly responsible for other people’s emotions, choices and problems. They may have difficulty saying no because disappointing someone feels unbearable. They might agree to things they don’t want to do, loan money they cannot afford to lose or tolerate behavior that repeatedly hurts them.
Then resentment begins to build.
That’s one of the confusing parts of codependency. A person may appear incredibly giving on the outside while feeling exhausted, unappreciated or even angry on the inside.
They may think, After everything I do for everyone, why doesn’t anyone do the same for me?
Often, nobody asked them to carry quite as much as they are carrying.
Codependency can also involve trying to control situations in ways that don’t necessarily look controlling. Constantly giving advice, reminding someone what they need to do, preventing them from making mistakes or stepping in to solve their problems can all come from genuine love and concern.
But helping becomes unhealthy when we begin taking responsibility for things that belong to someone else.
Healthy relationships allow two people to remain separate people.
I can love you without fixing you. I can care that you’re disappointed without changing my decision. I can support you while still allowing you to experience the consequences of your choices. I can say no and still be a caring person.
For someone accustomed to codependent relationships, those ideas can feel uncomfortable at first.
The goal isn’t to stop caring. It is to learn the difference between supporting someone and carrying them.
One of the most helpful questions you can ask yourself is, “Is this actually mine to handle?”
Your emotions, choices, boundaries and behavior belong to you. Other adults’ emotions, choices and behavior belong to them.
Learning where you end and another person begins can change relationships dramatically.
And sometimes the healthiest thing you can do for someone you love is to step out of the way and let them carry what belongs to them.
